I hate certain aspects of my life with a distinct passion. Why can't things be simple. I make one request. I'm told it's no problem at all. For some unknown reason it seems that simple request just won't be met. I want to quit. I don't know how. I can't afford to learn. I hate that this turns my stomach. It's rediculous the way I let things affect me. I don't know what to do.

I've lost the ability to deal with my life the way I used to. Although I wonder if I ever let myself live my life before. I don't like the way things are. Maybe I'm too sensitive. I feel like I've become a door mat. Now that people have passed through the door, I've become ignored. When I'm no longer needed I'm cast aside.

I don't want to be misinturpreted. I'm endlessly greatful to those who have shown me such unconditional love. Perhaps I need to learn to be happy with what I've got in this moment.

Yay for high-speed internet! Still one issue. My CD-ROM drive won't work. Would anyone care to help out here?

I feel odd. This place where I sit in life is different than those I have visited recently. I feel harshly rejected in some ways, but like I've been given new found love and respect in others. I feel as though I've moved too swiftly in certain areas of my life recently. I wonder just how careful I really must be. I believe the inner-most part of our beings are unbelievably fragile. We must treat ourselves with care and attention. Tread lightly my friends. This is a time of great discovery, a time to learn, a time to grow. Life will happen, it's all in how we react to what happens.

Sometimes I wish my mother would leave for awhile.

I don't understand, but for some reason I'm craving one of the "best hugs in the world".

Woohoo. I love friendly reunions. One is in the works. All you former cadet people; clear your schedules the first weekend in August. I'll keep you posted.

So work went well today. Go figure. I worked open til close. My legs ache and my feet throb, but today was the best day yet. When I got there Dad, Amy and Francis were frantically trying to get everything ready. Turns out one of the other girls was supposed to be in at eleven and set up the deck and stuff, she no-showed. Amy walked by at 11:30 and noticed that no-one was around. Anywho, Amy and I worked alone til about five. It was awesome, she rules in my books. I worked right through til close, which we finally accomplished at 9:30. What a long damn day. Funny how I enjoyed it the most. I think that could have something to do with the fact that there were very few regulars in. I like tourists. Isn't that odd? There were a few regulars, but they were all pleasant ones, which is totally cool with me. Yay for Sunday.

I've always wanted to find happiness. I tend to be a relatively happy person. Or at least I always had been. I'm having trouble finding my way these days. I don't know quite what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I keep trying to figure it out. Work is rediculous. I never wanted to work for Dad, but always knew it was inevitable. It's not such a terrible job, but I think it's a lonely job. I can't be myself. I spend all day acting, and there's nothing I hate more than acting. I just want to be me and have that be okay. I am very greatful for the friends I've been aquiring. Unfortunately someone needed to remind me today of just how hard it is to find someone who will truly love you. I'm well aware of that. I truly appreciate the love that is given to me. I feel badly that I can't always reciprocate, but this goes both ways. There are relationships in which I have been cast aside. I'm having trouble letting things slide these days. I take things to heart. I don't always want to care, but I do. I try to remind myself that I can do anything I want. "I am invincible, as long as I'm alive."-John Mayer

Well this is definetely a first. I have to work in an hour, and I am yet to become stable. I said I was going to behave last night. I didn't listen.

I feel odd. I'd like to know what it is that I'm supposed to be doing right now. I think I've determined that this is not it. I was almost starting to enjoy going to work. Nothing happened, why has that changed? I need to figure out what I'm supposed to do about this.

I've had This Time running through my head lately. I love the whole album, but can't stop thinking about that track.

We watch Black Hawk Down tonight. I enjoyed it. I'd like to make a comparison, but first I'd like to make it perfectly clear that I'm well aware of the difference in gravity of the two items. It's like myself and my surrounding world went into a city, shots were fired, situations became increasingly severe, I am unintentionally left behind. It is not that I am not cared for, but that others are dealing with serious issues, and don't have the time to become aware that I'm lost. I feel forgotten. I thank god that I am lucky enough to simply be making this comparison, and not living the terror. I do however wish I had a map.

This lost little girl thought she'd play with colour. What do you think?

I'm so confused. I don't know what to think. I'm lost in my thoughts. I've been shooting my mouth off for a few days now, and I'm starting to wonder what my view really is. I'm off today. Quiet visits with friends call my name.

My world seems to be doing a 180. It's difficult to understand it all. What I once looked at as small things have been eating away at me for quite some time, and it appears also some others around me. I was oblivious to their pain. It will take even more thought for me to come to my conclusion. I hope it will be the best one possible. May I be thoughtful and logical in my proceedings.

On a lighter note, I just found out this weeks schedule. I work the day bar shift 11:30 - 5:00, Monday, Friday and Saturday.

I started my analysis previously...I have continued to re-evaluate the relationships of my life. A great deal of thought is still needed.

Do you ever wonder how badly things would really turn out if you just didn't get out of bed on any given day? I think I finally understand people's careless attitude. Work just doesn't seem important. I don't particularly enjoy it. I don't feel like what I'm doing is necessary in any way. Why is this a necessary job? Why do I feel like I have to be there? I hate money!

Each of us has a terrible fault. It may be immaturity, it may be manipulativeness. I believe my most damaging fault is self-centeredness.

What happened to calm and happy? I'm becoming negative again. I don't like this. I was on such a roll, and I've hit a wall and I'm sliding down to the floor.

I have become calm. I believe this is connected to my new-found love for sleep. I am surrounded by a new sense of calm. I have yet to decide however if it is a new sense of calm, or a new sense of nothingness. Seeing as calm is more positive, I'm going to hope for this route. I've taken this place as an opportunity to reflect. I begun to analyse past relationships. I've noticed many important facts about encounters with the male kind. All making me feel better about myself. They do however make me question the likelyhood of ever finding someone worthy of me.

I'm falling in love with sleep. It's become more comforting and inviting than ever before.

Alone in the darkness. I hear a sound. A tapping at the window. Something I did not expect to hear. Something I feared one day I would. I pretend I don't hear it. The culprit is persistent. I turn slowly. Yes, it is who I feared it may be. Seeing his face I turned back to my work; I must be seeing things. The tapping occured once more. I look to see a foolish boy pleading with me; what he wants I cannot determine. Ignoring him a little longer, he becomes impatient, and taps again. This time I realise, that through a series of hand signals, he is trying to express his wish to use the phone. I have now convinced myself that eventually he will give up and walk away. I am wrong. This charade continues for a few more bouts. Finally it is peaceful.

I am a girl. A girl you loved. A girl you followed. A girl you then ignored. A girl you put down. A girl who is now sitting in the dark, and for some reason you believe would let you into her house, where she sits, all alone.

I wanna take a punk rock aerobics class.

So...I work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday days next week. Come visit, I'm there until five.

Okay, Jen, I'm soooo sorry. I'm a terrible person, I haven't emailed you back...I'm getting to it. In other news, work went so much better today...mostly because I really didn't have to do much. Everything I did do however went much better than before. Tomorrow shall be the test.

I don't work tomorrow. I shall attempt to see the world tomorrow, I miss you. I then work Friday and Saturday day. Except I also work at the yacht club Saturday morning. Oh the craziness. Jen e-mailed me! I was feeling badly because I couldn't remember her email address, but she couldn't remember mine either. Then she figured it out. I always said she was the smart one. I will write her back tomorrow...when I have more time, and am far less sleepy, I promiss.

So I survived. One day down. It actually went quite well, and will only get easier. This weekend I work with Joni. YAY a million times over. I like her, she's cool. I worked with her today, but with Elaine too. I don't know what to say about Elaine. I feel as though I intimidate her and she doesn't respect me. It's getting better...but we shall see.

I'm so pathetic. The thought of working tomorrow makes me physically ill. I stress too much. BTW I work at eleven 12:30pm two.

Man is the most confusing species. I am at a loss. It seems hopeless to attempt to comprehend them, myself included. It appauls me to see the changes that occur in my feelings toward people. Just when you think you've got yourself figured out, things change. I am left not knowing how to take some things. Without thinking I react to others actions in ways I had never imagined. I have lost the desire to care about some things. I feel like becomming a hermit for awhile. I wish it were possible.

Looks like I won't be worrying about this dilema too much today. I'm not working, someone call me!

The whole working at the restaurant thing is going to be a difficult beginning. Everyone is having trouble deciding how to treat me. It would be easier if I either worked directly for dad, or for a total stranger. This whole in between thing is murder. I don't even know if I work tomorrow! It's genuinely pissing me off. I feel like I deserve a little respect. No one knows how to treat me, it's rediculous. I'm a normal employee. No need to tip-toe around me, but also no need to completely deny that I'm my father's daughter. Oh goodness...I just can't figure out how I feel about this whole thing...I'm wishing I had gotten a job right away. I wouldn't have had to worry about these things.

Know what? My girls rule. We can't always be there for each other, but we do what we can. We take good care of each other. My girls can count on me, as I can on them. When we're separated by vast distances I miss them dearly. There is so much to be learned out there, we know we will get together again. When we do, we talk forever! Hehe, nothing better than a good chat...

I felt happier today. After speaking to two very helpful people Thursday night, I felt a bit of relief. I hope this will continue.