This has likely been the most challenging year of my short life.

I always believed that we are strong and can do anything we put our minds to. I preach this to those around me that I love so dearly. We never do practice what we preach. The most confusing of all is figuring out what it is that you want enough to put your mind to.

In highschool I tried to figure out what it was that I found interesting enough to pursue in university. I did those aptitude tests telling me that I should be an architect or engineer. Well here I am, in engineering. It began that way because it allowed me to make the least number of decisions. At that point in my life the only thing I knew was that I did not want to do an arts degree. What was it that drove me so far away from the arts? It's ironic in my opinion, seeing how much admiration I have for the arts. I continued on the path of least resistance, the path that would give me the most options in the future, avoiding ever having to make a real decision.

I fell in love, hard and fast. This education I was getting became a vehicle to get a career that would support our love. One that would pay our debts, one that would build our house, one that would clothe our children. I was allowed to forget about that requirement that I need be happy in my career; I thought all the happiness I would need would be found in my home.

I broke that home. It didn't matter that I was happy and surrounded by love. In that home I had forgotten that we all need our autonomy. Nothing could have prevented me from forgetting that. It was a lesson that needed to be learned, that for me could only come from experience. Love crumbled and fell, slowly and painfully.

I've spent my life watching people in pain, wondering how it was possible for them to find life so hard. I've spent my life wondering how depression can consume you, wondering how alcoholism can take hold of you, wondering how sadness can overpower you. I've spent this year sinking to the bottom. Part of the time I was supported by love I didn't even know existed. Love I'm gracious for now that the time has passed.

This year I've spent nights home alone drinking bottles of wine by myself. I've spent nights crying until the sun came up. I've spent days in bed as deadlines passed me by and I missed class after class and meeting after meeting. It wasn't that I was without love, it was that I was without dreams.

I've got the beauty, brains, and balls to do what ever the hell I want. It's time to do a little soul searching and figure out what that is. I'm ready to dream.