I just fell off the bank, into de-nile. I'm not upset, or bothered, or sad, or upset...I'm jusy denying. Denying the fact that I have work to do. Denying the fact that I have professors to face. Denying the fact that I'm likely going to go to bed before I do anything tonight.

I asked Brandon today if I could just be his secretary after all this is over; he laughed. I can't decide if he didn't believe me or if he was afraid to say no. Just the thought of that being an option makes me a great deal less afraid. I actually want to have that traditional option. I don't know if I'll change my mind in the future. Growing up I never knew what I wanted to do, but I was always convinced that I actually wanted to work at something "worthwhile". I think what's changed the most is my perception of what's worthwhile. Now there's so much I want to do all the time that I just don't have a minute left to do. Those are just the everyday things like cleaning, organizing, and decorating. There are so many other projects and activities that seem so far out of reach like sewing and being crafty, biking and camping, and the big time/cash consumer travelling. Another thing: kids. How the hell are we supposed to have time to have kids if it's so damn hard to have time to live? I want kids! I want to be domestic! I want to be cultural! I want to be active!

I always had a theory that I should have kids "young", or at least young for the patern that Mom and Mur took, and work hard because you can't vacation when you're young and you can't vacation when you have kids. Does my theory change? Or will I buck up and figure things out?